There are so many things I wish I could say that I will never be able to say. I have read over my own writings -- over and over again, and yet still I do not know how things transpired into what they did, what became of him in the end, or why any of it happened. All I know is that he was just gone. Gone. Gone because of me, gone because of my Father. Gone because he loved me. I feel angry. Angry at him for leaving me like that, and angry at myself for letting myself love again, especially when I still loved Pallas. I knew how jaded I am, knew it wouldn't last. I tried to tell but he would not hear of such things. he could never leave me, he said. But he did. And now I will always regret not going off alone that night. But if I had, he would be in my exact position right now and I would never wish that on anyone.

None of it makes any sense. He was part of my family and a friend. That loss hurts. Friendship isn't one big thing but a million little things, and I feel a million little losses. I try to dream happy dreams but when I do dream it is just fragments of the trip, My Mothers, the hurtful words and of the bandits I encountered on the way and what they did to me.

The guilt I feel over everything is over whelming me. It is like a disease eating away inside. I suspect not eating does not help things any. But I do not care, Let it kill me already and be done with it. Despite the strength I have found inside of me to make that journey in the state I was in, to believe the vision of my Mothers and turn away when it was easier to run into the tunnels and die, I do not think I am strong enough to live with this. Right now, in the depths of my despair, knowing I could have done nothing. Nothing makes any of this any easier. Not even having lost love before and feeling the pain before. Though I deeply thank all who are trying to help me through this. The one who has helped the most, even though sick himself, is the one I least deserve any support from. And he can not know what it means to me or how much I have always loved him. But I am not worth saving anymore. I never was.

When I woke the color of the world was back to normal and the Mothers were gone. James was patting my face. His eyes appeared relieved as I pushed him away, but he could not explain what had happened to me when I questioned him. I asked if he saw them, heard the singing, heard the cold voice. He looked at me as if I had grown a second head right on the spot. Perhaps it was all a dream but I didn't think it was a dream, it was far more feeling and real then any dream I have had, and I know dreams, lucid and otherwise and this was more then a dream. James helped me up to my feet, and I just stood there for a while as my heart and soul said goodbye to this chapter of my life. You can close your eyes from the things you don’t want to see but you can never close your heart from the things you don’t want to feel. And the more we try to forget someone we love, the more painful letting go becomes. We should never forget love.

I then recalled something I once heard. Never to run from anything immortal, it attacks their attention. So as we made to leave I quietly told James to not look back and not to run, just face forward and walk steadily, because running might attract Fathers attention. And there was no point in looking back, yet again, to all I had lost. We had to get away from here. But I knew I would be back to face the demon that is my Father, but this was not the day. And as we walked, I cried. Not only did I cry tears from my eyes that covered my face, but I cried those deep tears that fall from the heart, covering the soul. In the end, despite every tear, every heartache and every pain, it’s not how much we have suffered that we remember, but how much we loved and were loved.

And although I walked away with a heavily bleeding heart, I knew I wasn't the one who shattered the quiet world of leaf and shadow. And this is the end.....our end, and all I can do now is Remember him for who he was and the fun moments together. Remember how he lived, how we lived. Remember how he treated me, and what he did for me. Remember the Friend I cared for. Remember how much he loved me. The Wolf who knew me enough to know I can never do enough to satisfy my need to know that I have done enough. Mother, friend, hero. I will never forget. I unpinned the blossom from my hair, kissed it, and let the wind carry it away. I will remember. And I hope he knew in his heart, until whatever end, he was loved.

I thought about it all the entire time James lead me closer to home, never really seeing where I was, though he walked me long past where our agreement required him to help me. I tied a green bracelet around his wrist and thanked him for everything, and wished him well. He did not want to leave me in the state I was in, but I gave him no choice as I turned and stumbled away. As I wandered in a half-daze, thinking of how much healing I have ahead, I realized that I learned something about myself. That I truly am strong inside. I have fought off my Father -- human, demon, vision; in my world, His world and in the nightmares between our worlds for my entire life. He comes, He destroys, He corrupts, He hurts. It always ends the same. And although it has been such a struggle to keep my head above it all, I've always come out alive, even if worse for the wear, even when I was in total despair -- exhausted and depressed and it was so, so, so hard to fight that I was ready to give in and die. Still, I fought, and still I have never let Father taint or twist my mind enough to doubt love or turn love into something ugly. Gods know how Father tried -- over and over how He tries to warp me.

Even those painful, cold words during the vision with my Mothers, truth they may have been, but I believe brought on by my devious Father. Yet I never once abandoned love because of Father, never turned against anyone because of Him, never believed the foul words He spoke in twisted manipulations. I never gave up friendship or love because of Him, or from the weakness of Him wearing me down. I never abandoned who I am or who I loved because of His madness.

Love is the one and only thing that transcends all, even time and space. It is only lost when we let it slip away.

I am the Light that pierces the darkness. And one day I am going to destroy Him.

Light trumps dark.

Thanks to James the trip was smooth after we left his bandit camp, albeit I do not recall most of it. I am tired and ill and weak and feel as though I walk in a dream. I am pretty sure he carried me much of the way. Now we are close, but something is different. The very first step I took onto the ground that is Brighttree, the world around me instantly became drained and absent of all color. Everything was black and white and many shades of grey. But I did not lose my color. I remained the same. My skin, my hair, clothing. They were all vibrant, almost too vibrant. I looked in the direction of my old tower and though it was some distance away, it seemed it was not the same. I could not tell from where I stood, but I knew that it was not the same place, and that it was not where I needed to go. My instincts and my heart pulled me towards the terrible twisting tunnels under the house, and undoubtedly to my death. I was afraid, but love is stronger then fear, and I was ready for whatever was to come. Life is about our choices. I learned young that you can't have it exactly the way you want it all the time or even most of the time, and this was my choice to make. I took a second step forward and that is when I saw them -- and the vision froze me in place. It was them. The Mothers of Autumn, both of them standing together side by side. My beautiful Mothers were right there before my unbelieving eyes. I wept.

They were so radiant in color, mesmerizing, and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. The awe of the visage took away my breath, and the surrealism dropped me to my knees. In unison they spoke to me, magnificent oracles. They told me that it was too late. As hot tears fell down my face they told me there was nothing I could have done either way, had I left the night I intended or any other night, it was already over, already too late for the Wolf. They told me that I should not have come here and that my death waits in those tunnels. That Father senses me here, He knows I am close and to take one more step means my own mortal death. That what He has in store is a fate worse then the freedom that death can bring. They begged me to turn back before it was too late to save myself from damnation. I asked if my was dead. They told me that everyone dies sometime. Some before me, some long after me. But they made it very clear I could do nothing, and would not explain any further.

As they paused to let me think, I heard the sweetest, familiar voice. The voice I lamented for during these lonely, terribly painful turns. The voice I longed for that comforted me in restless sleep, in fevered sickness, and in tender moments. The one that promised to love me until he breathed no more. It sang of leaf and shadow. I stood up then, and took another step forward. This made the Mothers of Autumn frown. They warned me this was their one and only chance to help me -- my only chance to be saved -- and that I had to turn back right now. I had too much to live for and I was needed elsewhere, that my life was not to end this way, and not on this turn. But how could I walk away from someone I loved. But hadn't I done exactly that once before with Pallas? Then the sweet voice I knew and loved changed into a voice that I did not recognize at all. Full of bitterness, anger and hate. It coldly told me to leave him alone. It said he did not care about me, and that he was not sorry for the pain. It was not a voice I knew, but I knew it was the voice of truth. And it was mixed with my Fathers laughter. It cut my heart so deeply all I could do was stand there shaking in shock and disbelief.

The Mothers then took my hands to comfort me. They told me although they knew I would blame myself, that it was not my fault, not his fault. It was Father. Always Father. I just wanted to run past them at that point, and let Father take me, too. That is how bad the words cut me, and I had no idea how I could actually live with what Father did to us. But the Mothers repeated my own thoughts. "Life is about choices and he made his choice." The Wolf who had me would not want me to walk willingly into my own death, not for any reason. The cold voice I had head was a voice that no longer belonged to that man. He did not care for me. And in that realization, I howled. I howled longer and harder and louder then I had ever howled before. Only this howl was not in fun. This howl was filled with pain, loss, regret and anger. I howled until I could howl or breathe no more. I howled until everything went dark......

--sometime later--

I recalled this spot from before. I tried to slip by unseen, but they quickly caught me. The leader cupped my face with a dirty hand as he smiled and told me that the scent of my hair on the wind was too alluring to go unnoticed. Like an roses on the wind of an Autumn Morning. It had given me away long before I arrived at the pass. They had been laughing together and waiting for me.

The bandits spared my life and allowed me cross through their territory, but at a cost that shames me to admit. And had it not been for my determination to find the Wolf, I would have let them take everything from me AND kill me as well.

The youngest of them now travels with me as a guide to help me along the rest of the journey. I can't look him in the eyes -- the only part of his face I can even see. He keeps apologizing for his 'brothers', and he has promised to get me to Brighttree as swiftly as possible, and in one piece. He says his nameis James....Jimmy. I really wish he would stop talking.

My only condition for him is that once we arrive, he wait for me outside of Brighttree no matter what he sees or hears. I will not endanger his life. He seems mostly innocent.

I snuck away in the darkness, against the clerics of Branishors orders, against my own protesting body, leaving behind only a few quickly written notes. I pray they can forgive my haste, and for ignoring the wiser clerics, but enough time has been wasted being sick with heartache and despair, being held back, and Gods know what else and who else that has kept me from leaving Valorn. I'm still very weak and sick -- my head spins dizzily with hunger, pain, fear, guilt, anxiety and so many more emotions, but the fire and steel that is deep inside me fuels my determination.

The map Pallas drew up long ago is crude and faded, but I'm so determined that things seem to be working out without my own mind functioning. Like a zombie seeking out brains. I can't recall my trip to this point, it is as if I am moving within a dream while my mind and body are unaware.

I'm hungry and tired and every step shakes with the threat of being killed by wild animals, mad men or collapse. Yet I'm still here, breathing and moving against these odds. Love endures.

I feel like a dying leaf frightened of the autumn wind. I have not eaten since he was just...gone, and people look at me as if they can not believe I am not a walking ghoul, but I am living, still. Something stirs uneasily in my sickened heart, and I am filled with sadness, worry and guilt. So much guilt. Did he leave to face my darkness alone and pay the price? MY price? Or has something else happened I do not understand? Why did I even tell the Wolf of my intentions to return, of what pulled me in that direction? I should have just gone with my instincts, gone off alone in the night as I had planned -- protected him from the pain I knew he would endure had he gone with me. Kept him safe the only way I knew, set him free. It is possible I failed to do that for him. And this new unknown becomes a whole new demon that will haunt me along with the other demons.

What if I opened a door straight into a nightmare so terrible it has broken him, killed him? How will I deal with such guilt? I do not think I can do any of it -- I am not strong enough for this. I do know that wont be able to rest until I know for sure, but I can not yet return to Brighttree to search for him. Not until I have the strength, as I can barely stand upright as it is. I tried. As I said, I was all set to run, before the shadowed image of the dying Ni manifested before my eyes, she needed me in that moment. I was ready to leave blindly for Brightree, Pallas knows, the Gods know, with a high chance I wouldn't have ever made it to Brighttree. But after the miracle I was so drained, it left me drained me for days, some say it saved me. But I became so lost in my sorrow and self loathing, I became too weak to run. But I will find the strength to try again, no matter what, I have to. Even if it kills me. He would have searched for me.

It was a darkness we had spoke about and planned to face together. So why face it alone? Was there something much more sinister going on? Or devious. why was I left behind? I do not know for sure, but my dreams woke me up earlier and I was overcome with terror. I woke from hearing my own horrified screaming, is more like it. I stood shaking with emotion and exhaustion on the rails of the bridge pier, crying and screaming into the winds. I just wanted to fly away or drown my heart. The guilt is overwhelming. I planned to go back home, alone. I was not going to tell anyone but I did and I should be the one that is gone and he should be here, alive and well. He should be the one living a life not suffering for mine if that's even what happened.

I've not been able to eat. The only time I can sleep is when I pass out from the emotional exhaustion, when my mind shuts down. I can not wrap my head around things but I must try and remember he did love me no matter how much it hurts and how angry I feel. People look at me if they see me, with a knowing face, feeling sorry for me but I know he would not have gone unless he had no choice. I still believe in his gentle heart and in his humanity. He died from grief when the darkness literally broke my body. He loved me. And I hope wherever he is, he walks within the Light
.
I've not bothered to bathe, to wash or even combed my hair, though have had offers from kind souls to help me take care of myself. I know I am frightful and I just do not have the energy to care. And if not for the patience of my kind friend Dimitri and his talent with a comb, my hair would probably have birds nesting and living in it by now. Touching my hair is intimate to me, and not something I would let just anyone do, but he is a good friend who is looking out and I don't have energy to argue much. The only time I leave the lair is to occasionally visit Ni, and it is a wonder I make it to her without collapsing. People say I look like death. Pallas has been resting here, leaving me food I can not stomach to eat, but we have not been able to speak very much. Maybe soon, though I often daze out when people try and talk to me. I am not sure where I go inside my head half the time, but it must be somewhere far, far away. I have tried to fight, but I am much too weak to do so, everything is blurry, and I can not focus. The pain that wracks through my body is complete torture, and I feel I deserve every bit of it.

I know none of this is healthy but my entire life has not been healthy -- or fair, except the parts I took for granted. I've lived my entire life on the edge of a horrific reality, just knowing everything that haunts me will catch up to me eventually. The demons of my life always right on my tail, ready to pounce on me and over take me and no one can save me from that. What has been good in my life is not long lasting, be it by my own foolish stubbornness or of another. I fight and survive seemingly just to exist, but I do not know why. I am tired, so tired, and letting the demons win would stop the misery once and for all.

There are beautiful new robes of Miranda. Ary came to visit with a cup of tea, and a new robe that fit me, or at least it would fit me if I was at my normal weight. It was really sweet of her. I rarely unlock the lair for anyone. I just need to be alone. People come, they knock, ask me to let them in but I can not. Skye did get in and sweetly she sang me to sleep one turn.

I wonder if I will ever be able to face society again or if I will just fade away and die quietly in darkness. The latter doesn't sound so bad. Quite peaceful, actually.

Sadness seems to come in degrees, and for me it is so hard to put that sadness and pain into perspective. When he left he took things with him. My trust, adoration and more...

I want to take back everything -- the trust, every emotion that I openly shared, that piece of me that still lies with him. I want to erase it all, forget it all because then I would not have to feel the pain. I know he loved me. He must have. I heard the song not long before I woke and realized he was gone. Perhaps that was only a dream, my minds way of escaping and avoiding the reality.

I have tried, others have tried, the Gods have tried -- but my heart mIght no be salvageable this time. it is just too hard, it's still never healed after Pallas and I parted ways. I have been through so much in my lifetime. Over and over the vice grips wrench at my heart. Life is not fair -- life is pain. Even lying here in the dark slowly fading away, with Fathers words echoing through my head, feels like too much of a burden to bear.

'Darkness. Fear. Despair. Suffering. Death. You think you know these things, but you know nothing. Don't trust the one who saves you......'

I do not know where to begin. It had been both one of the worst and best turns of my life. I was talking with my oldest friend. I was a mess, in despair, and explaining why I had to go away. How hurt, lost and empty I felt. Yet he loved me enough still, despite everything we have gone through, to comfort me. As we talked I became full of regret, hopelessness and pain. I said I felt bled out, drained of the lifeblood needed to live. I hurt so deeply my breath caught in my throat as I tried to speak through the tears. My tears were unending, yet he spoke no malice, he simply listened and told me he knows he did not mean to hurt me, and did what he had to do. And I do believe that is true, but it hurts no less so. I was about to ask him to take the guild for me so I could go away, to return or not was very much in the air. It was then it happened. My cloak began to glow with Morning Star. I asked Pallas if he had been secretly learning enchanter spells. I started to go back to what we had been talking about when a small whisper of echo curled upon shimmering air within the lair. A shadowy image of the dying Ni appeared, so briefly I thought I had surely begun to hallucinate from lack of ‘Rifter light, fresh air, food and drink. As it dissipated, the sacred gemstone at my throat warmed comfortingly, and began to pulse a dark, ruby red, as it to tell me something.

Pallas stood and suggested we visit Ni straight away. I hesitated, being in the condition I was in and the fact I did not think my heart could bear to see Ni right now, again, in her still ragged condition. I had visited her earlier to apologize to her that the Wolf would never sing to her again. Silly, maybe, but it meant a great deal to him and I wanted to be sure she understood, the best a shrubbery can understand. But I went regardless, hoping one more knife to the heart would do the trick and take me out for good. When we got there, she was, as I expected, the same. I knelt beside her and touched her gently, apologizing again, crying again, pain stabbing my chest. That is when the gemstone began to pulse again, with the beating of my heart, and glow deeper. Before I could touch it, a curl of light moved down the gem and winded slowly around my arm, moving gently down and enshrouding each finger on my hand still resting on the shrubbery in tendrils of brilliant, deep ruby. I was mystified, holding my breath at this happening and frozen in place as we both watched intently. That was when the light became very intense and the gemstone burst into howling energies that went through my body, changing the night around us with a roar of divine power. Dark shadows around the Ni burst apart with agonizing screams, and as they quieted, the world around us began to shift back to reality, the same divine shimmering from the lair fading away. When my eyes were able to see again, the site before me warmed my cold, aching heart. The Ni, branches strong and vivid emerald rustled happily in the breeze, stars glimmering in the sky around her. She was a Revitalized Ni, and then later as I sat with her she became a Radiant Ni.

Pallas said only I had the power to cure Ni, but we both know not without divine intervention. Not without the special gem nestled at my throat. In my moment of need, they were there for me, and restored hope in my life and my inner strength and ability to carry on where I was needed. That I was needed here in Valorn. We both quietly prayed our thanks. A star feel from the heavens leaving a beautiful bronze trail. When I was able to stop shaking long enough to look Ni over, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen – completely revitalized and glowing with new health. Full, lush leaves of emerald and also, peeping from within the foliage are beautiful little teardrop-shaped berries, the deepest heart blood red. How very ironic. The tears I bled in despair now flowed with life, happiness, love and awe. It was so surreal, and my connection with the Gods the deepest I have ever felt. They gave me back something indescribably special, at the same time I felt such a big loss. And in this, for the first time since Wolf departed I felt like I could survive this. I wished he could have seen the miracle of Ni restored, for he loved her and would be so happy to know she lives but even more special is that I truly couldn't be more grateful to have Pallas by my side to experience the mystifying event. Seeing the Ni, and hearing his whispered words warmed my heart.

It was then that I recalled words spoken from earlier, by friends, family and by some I did not expect to care for me, but rather mock my pain. Words that I was almost too inconsolable to comprehend. And I undoubtedly knew I had support and that when I do go away, it will not be forever. I made a new friend, quite unexpectedly as well. I must try and rest a few turns first, if I am to still take a trip away, and heal my heart and soul. Fire and steel, the rogue reminded me.

I am still cold, lost and lonely, but a slight warming of hope, faith, love and perseverance is kindling within my brittle heart. And it got me through that most cold and lonely bittersweet night.

And just like that, he is gone, again. I can not begin to comprehend it. He picked me up from the worst pain I had know, but by going away after declaring love and promising he would never leave, he ended up causing pain. And I can not even explain why. A bit before I realized he was gone, I heard him humming to me of the malachite rose As I slept.

He must have had no choice at all -- but I am not sure I can survive this. I know I can not long remain here. I feel broken -- my heart my soul and my trust have been once again destroyed.

Father was right, I am jaded and ruined and no one will ever love me, not for true, not for me, not for always. It is time to return. Time to let him finish what he started so long ago.

I walk alone in the darkness while others sleep. For some reason it is easier to organize my thoughts when wandering through the quiet dark, and I really needed some fresh air. I feel everything so intensely, my emotions always openly on display, and that is awkward to me when others see, so in a way I suppose I'm also hiding from the anxiety of someone seeing me break down.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my demons and the pain that my brain completely shuts down and I collapse, feeling nothing at all for a time. I believe that something is not firing right in my brain. Father damaged me beyond physically and emotionally. I had an episode just a bit ago, which is partly why I'm still sat here, at this place that draws me to it without my even realizing it is happening. The other part is just fear. It triggers my anxieties and paralyzes me.

I don think I can maintain the facade any longer, I feel I am going mad, the girl lost in her own head, fading away, disappearing and withdrawing farther and deeper into myself. Lost in pain and memory. But it is more then memory that haunts me. Something pulls me in a direction I did not want to ever return.

Things would be so much easier if my brain just checked out. I'm so tired. Tired of a lifelong fight to hold my head up just enough to keep from drowning. The years Of inner turmoil, the intense emotions, fear and anxiety, the crushing headaches -- it all makes it harder to find And enjoy moments of true solace and peace. And the longer it goes on the worse it becomes until one turn I fear I will wake up afraid that I'm going to live. I do not want that day to come to pass.

But how can you hide from what does not go away? You can not hide. You either give in or step up, no matter how tired you are, no matter how badly you hurt. I want to fight for myself and for the Wolf. I want him to feel this weight lifted. But how can I fight when I Keep changing my mind on what I need to do. When I'm too tired to think clearly and logic fails me? When I'm not even able to will myself to my feet to make it back to my home? How do I fight when I feel like spider-webbed glass, ready to shatter into a thousand pieces?

I often feel like a bug that is smashed under someones boot, squashed and dead yet a few random appendages are still struggling as they try to cling onto life, for whatever reasons. Instinct perhaps, I have no clue. I feel like a defective and broken woman -- like I came off the assembly line flat out shattered. My parents should have taken me back, traded me in, only my Mother had died giving me birth. And my Father had plans for me so he kept me around. He was with many women before he met Evangelline when I was just a toddler. So I was stuck alone with Father until he married her, the woman I loved as my 'new mom'. And Gods bless her; I miss her so very much. Why did he have to kill her? Oh, but once again, it was my fault she died, not his, even if he killed her. Somehow it was. She was trying to hide me and help me. She was trying to save me and protect me from Him. Even if it was not my fault for the reasons He had claimed, it was my fault for these reasons.

Once the Wolf was asleep I slipped out of his arms and threw off my clothes and silently went into the flowing waters under the waterfall in the Hollow. There I sat for quite sometime in the freezing waters, crying with my face buried in my hands, letting the water run down me and over me , washing away the newest nightmare and the bad feelings it left on my flesh. The violated, foul feeling those dreams leave on me -- I can not take that feeling. I know I just got over being unwell for getting wet in this cold weather, but it was worth not feeling how dirty I was feeling, even if I invited in my own death.

I dreamed of the tunnels under the house -- the labyrinth, and the monsters and crazy things I remember being down there. And of course of my Father and Myoakka, hands all over the place, and who I am sure now must be waiting for me there. It makes little sense they would just wait, and I do not really understand at all, but I know I am afraid of them, even if they are only shadows. They will not leave my mind or my dreams alone, it must all mean something -- it just HAS to mean something! They are haunting me and I have no idea how to stop this, how to keep it away from the ones I love most. I kid myself claiming I do not know what to do. I DO know what I must do...

Everything feels so wrong, feels so off. Something wicked this way comes. And I know now that I need to go before this hurts the people I love and before it hurts the one I love the most -- my Wolf. And before it drives me insane to the point I can not return. It is harder and harder each day for my mind to take in everything. Eating and sleeping are hard. Thinking is hard. My emotions are hurting and exhausting me, and the headaches are so bad they turn me into a weak and rambling mess. I do not make clear decisions. Why else would I have gotten soaked in freezing water so soon after being unwell? I mean My dreams and thoughts are so disturbing, and now so are the Wolfs. He has dreamed of the things I dream and I can not accept that. We are haunted and it is my fault. The Wolf dreamed of His coming. The inner peace and the peace I need that I have tried so hard to hold onto is shattering. I know what I should do but I am not sure I can do it. But I HAVE to do it.

I feel now that my words are rambling along this page. I will soon, very soonly, need to get a better detailed map then the old one I carry from Pallas, and then I can be on my way. I wonder if he will try and stop me, or tell anyone. Despite everything I do not think he will do that, especially if I ask him to keep quiet. Though maybe I should forgo the map all together, and go from my own memory. I’m not sure which is worse, or which will get me more twisted and lost. The idea of going back there on my memory alone when I can barely think clearly, or trying to follow an actual map. Reading maps and remembering directions, especially over a great distance and involving travel across water has never been my thing. The first time I ran from there and found this land I was running blind. The time I went back, I was not alone for most of the trip, though perhaps I should have been to spare those I love the pain.

I am running out of patience, hope, time -- everything. And if that is all gone there can only be suffering. But we can’t appreciate what we have without suffering, sacrifice and loss, right? And holding onto the things that hurt only makes it harder to live as our hearts become heavier. I’m pretty sure I know what I will find there but knowing something and understanding something are not the same. But my heart and my life do not just belong to me. Am I being fair or even honest keeping this to myself? I have been told I am strong even if fragile at my core, but I do not feel strong, and certainly not strong-minded. The more I think the less I understand anything and everything, and the more convoluted the thoughts become, so why waste more time thinking and trying to sort my thoughts. Still, the questions burn in my mind.

Do I go or wait? What if I don’t make it home? Will he understand? Will he be okay? Will he be able to forgive me? Will Pallas understand? My friends and family?

What will I find if I actually do make it there? The same desolation we left it in years ago? And what do I even expect will come from seeing the ruined tower that held me so many years? Will He..they.. be there waiting or am I following a nightmare?

What am I hoping for by going back? I really don’t know. Moving on? Letting go? Death?

Father always told me never become too attached to anyone, anyplace or anything as it will only end in pain, regret and sorrow. And I am sure I will regret even thinking this, but sometimes I wish I had listened to that one bit of advice.

It is so dark I can not see and I am cold. So cold it burns.

It has been the bestest fall festival ever, and it was such even before the Cloak of Thorns, that seemed tailored just for me, dropped from that crazy tough Bryluen plant within the haunted mansion. It was the best because I got to spend some of it with Lucius whenever we both were able to wake. He even made me dinner on my birthing day which is over the fall festivities, and a hard time for me. We ate it in the tower by candlelight. It was really beautiful. And his stuffed mushrooms were simply delicious. I had hoped he would sing to me that night and we would have the time to dance but we did not. But that is okay. There is time enough for all those things another turn.

Our guilds game of Creepy Creature Charades went very well. Pallas did brilliant as always, and I am thankful to him for always coming through for me and the guild. Lucius found he had the time to actually able to perform as well, so I happily gave him a few of my charade creatures to act out. He was the funniest headless hen that I have ever seen. Much fun was had by all, and all the events we were able to attend were wonderful fun. Especially being able to make our own candles. Something special I will not forget. The auction was also quite interesting. I was interested in socks and a lantern but the prices were much higher then I expected the bids to be so I was unable to win. I was not at all bothered. I was actually feeling very sneezy and snuffly that night. So Lucius took me home to a warm fire and some rest.

Back to the cloak. The timing was too perfect. Lucius needed a marc or so and I was a bit bored, so I went to the haunted house to play inside one last time before it closed down. I noticed the lovely but deadly Bryluen plant seemed tougher then usual, but I was careful with my retreats and just kept on going back and forth to it, taking my time. A couple others seemed to half-heartedly take some whacks here and there at the plant, but after about a marc I finally killed the Bryluen and was absolutely stunned when the cloak dropped from its thorny dead branches. So stunned, I almost fainted right then and there - before I could even pick the cloak up. I fought that feeling, lest someone else swoop in and grab it. I even thought for fleeting part marc that perhaps it was a trick, and the cloak would vanish from my shaking hands, but it did not. Kane and Miranda congratulated me, making it that much more surreal.

I was in such a daze when Lucius found me wandering about, I forget where that was, and he just laughed good-naturedly at me. Of course he was the first to see the cloak up close and the first besides myself to actually touch it. The only one at all that I invited to touch it, though some others helped themselves. I think he was as emotional as I was over its beauty. Well, maybe not as emotional, but I could hear it in his voice. He told me that it suited me perfectly. A cloak made of nature that heals friends and damages foes. The most stunning bit of all is the drop of divine blood caught within the vermilion gemstone at the ring now resting in the hollow of my throat. It was worth giving up my old cloak pin, which now is affixed to my belt along with my wolf lockpick. I keep touching the sacred stone. I really am still in shock and awe as I write this. The best part, the very best part of all is that he was able to embrace me without any harm. The cloak is simply divine and I shall never part with it. I have already had offers. Hands off!